I've been the head girl's golf coach at Pendleton County High School for 2 months now. During this short time I have been so amazed about how ridiculous and obnoxious some of the coaches are. I have come up with 12 coaches that needed to be mentioned for your entertainment.
· The coach that wears the most ridiculous outfits-He's rocking all white Puma rain gear from head to toe. He's wearing a white belt, white shoes and white sunglasses on top of his white visor. If you are wondering why the coach is wearing sunglasses when it's raining outside then you sit and ponder the same things I do during tournaments. This is the same coach that looks like he might be a 2 handicap, but instead he can't break 95 on a good day and tries to protect his horrendous game by wearing the most expensive clothes possible. Not to mention he wears hair gel and you can see it because he is wearing a visor. This wouldn't be such a bad thing, but visors have been out of style since 1998.
· The coach who packs the ultimate cooler-This is the type of coach you want as a high school golfer. On the back of the golf cart you see a 54 quart Igloo cooler that cost $79.99. You open the cooler and you see a medley of drinks, snacks, fruit and pork loin sandwiches. The main reason why the kids are on the golf team is because they can expect unlimited PowerAde and fruit roll ups at every tournament and match. Also, there is a great correlation between a coach who packs an incredible cooler and a coach who weighs over 260 lbs.
· The coach who tweets too much-This is me. I am the coach who is obsessed with social media and loves to post something every time one of my player's does something good. My girls make fun of me because they can always spot me at random times during a tournament as I am sitting in my cart on my phone. There is a 70% chance that I am on twitter when on my phone. I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing. The @LadyCat golf account I have created already has 62 followers. That means that 62 people in the world are honestly interested in how my golf team is doing. Therefore, I will continue to tweet. Here are a couple of tweets that I have sent recently: "Raining in Bowling Green. Make sure to bring rain gear today!" (The obvious tweet) "Just teed off in Frankfort." (Why would anyone tweet that). If any of my players are reading this and they continue to make fun of me then you have conditioning practice on Tuesday after school.
· The coach who is way to obsessed with the rule book-This past Saturday we were playing in Bowling Green. I walked in the clubhouse 2 hours before we were scheduled to tee off and I see a coach and the club pro having a serious, deep conversation about a rule. The coach is so intent about what the official ruling is his nose is literally 3 inches from the club pro's nose. He has the most serious look on his face and is determined to prove that he is right. The best part is that the rule they were talking about didn't even happen. The coach hypothetically came up with a golf scenario and wanted to see what the pro thought about it. Sweet, man.
· The coach who plays his daughter as the number one golfer even though she's the 4th best golfer on the team-The tournament just ended and everybody is at the scoreboard seeing what everybody shot. You look at Daviess County's scores and their 2, 3 and 4 golfers shoot 91, 100 and 101 respectively. Their number 1 golfer shoots 114. Hmm seems shady. I later find out that the coach is the number 1 golfer's father. Oh yeah, she's in 7th grade and he only follows her around during the tournament. I'm not making this up.
· The coach that would rather be somewhere else than on a golf course-The whole team has terrible golf etiquette. The golfers don't know the difference between a red stake and a white stake. The lowest score they post is a 121. The coach never gets out of his cart. The school has placed last in the regional tournament the last 5 years. The only reason he/she coaches is because it pays $1400 at the end of the season. It's sad, but I can think of several coaches who are like this.
· The coach that asks the most ridiculous questions at coaches meetings-We are sitting in a crowded room before the tournament is about to start. The rules official is speaking about the rule sheet and how important pace of play is. We are all waiting for the meeting to end quickly because every pre-tournament rules meeting consists of the exact same, boring, repetitive stuff. We just want to get out on the course and start the tournament. All of a sudden, a coach raises her hand (I swear this happened) and asks if the golfers are playing the ball up a scorecard length or up a scorecard width. It was like everybody slowly turned their head towards the coach and just stared at her.
· The coach that is way to hyper for golf-All of the golfers are on the putting green before the tournament is about to start. Everybody is minding their own business and as a coach before a pressure filled event you want to remain as calm as possible so it doesn't affect the players. Most of the coaches are going over the rules and handing out scorecards to their respective teams. Then you see the coach who is holding a Red Bull in his hand, bouncing off the walls and trying to fire up his team at 7:50am. He's also the guy who tries to give his players the greatest pre-game motivational speech of all-time....before every tournament. He acts as if his speech is going to change the lives of the team, when basically the golfers are walking away from him saying to one another, "Did he really just say that?"
· The coach that loves to call penalties on opposing players-It's the second hole of the day. One of my girls hits a ball close to the OB line. It's hard to tell if she's in or out because there is no paint or fence on the ground. Just 2 white stakes separating each other with the ball in the middle. I am trying to make an educated decision on whether the ball is in or out. All of a sudden an opposing coach comes running out of nowhere declaring that the ball is out of bounds. He didn't even see my girl hit the ball. He tries to gain every advantage in the tournament. He feels great about himself because he just told a 13 year old girl that her ball is out of bounds and she has to go back and re-tee. Awesome, dude.
· The coach that over-coaches-The pace of play is backed up 3 holes because of one group. There is a 2 hole gap between this group and the group ahead of them. This particular coach is trying to turn this golfer's round around. The golfer had a sub-par front 9 and the coach spends 10 minutes telling the golfer what he did wrong after every shot. He tries to be the heroic swing coach that saves the day, but the only thing he is doing is making the round 45 minutes longer.
· The coach that is way to superstitious-This is also me. I made my girls wear black shirts and white shorts for 9 consecutive events because we played extremely well at one of the tournaments early on. I eat the same thing on tournament day and wear the same socks and shoes. I pack the same Styrofoam cooler and always buy orange Gatorade and both green and red grapes for the team. I take a certain route to the course every day because it's good luck. On every road trip we listen to 98.1 The Bull because it has helped us play well all year. Yeah, that's me.
· The arrogant coach-It's more than likely a private school with unlimited funds for over-night tournaments, expensive equipment and Ralph Lauren shirts. The team arrives in a greyhound bus and they bring two teams-Team A and Team B. Their B team could place in the state tournament if it was allowed. That's how good they are and the coach knows it. You bring up how your team played well last week in Mt. Sterling and that coach mentions how she has 4 Division 1 golfers on her team. You talk about what tournaments and matches you have this coming week and the coach brings up they are training at their indoor golf facility in Louisville.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete